Author: mosaicofintropections

We're just two people who like to share our perspectives.

To Seek New Possibilities

I didn’t realize how lonely it is to live by yourself until a few days ago. I was stuck thinking about the comforts of living at home, surrounded by friends and family and familiar things. I wondered how it would be leaving your comfort zone. I don’t know how long it would take me to adapt to new things if I were away.

My cousin advised me to move away for college to lead my own life and discover myself. Sometimes I feel bad leaving my family because I won’t be around to help them. My parents are aging and my younger brother will be entering high school-moving onto one of the next biggest steps in his life. I want to be there by his side to give him advice and guidance but a part of me feels certain that he will grow up and find his own way, just like I did.

Perhaps it’s best that I put myself first in this decision. That what I’m doing is purely for myself. My main goal is to find my path, be happy, and to thrive given whatever circumstance.

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You were left puzzled and shocked when the people closest to you, the ones who you trusted and cared for walked the door one day. They gave you countless reasons to justify their actions but at the end of the day, you knew it was because they simply stopped caring.

It’s nearly impossible to have control over their actions and how they feel but when you gain the clearest mind and the kindest heart, what they do to you won’t matter anymore. You no longer hold it within you and you continue leaving room in your heart for forgiveness and acceptance.

“A circle of strength, founded on faith, and joined by love.”

When I was little, my dad and I spent every Sunday afternoon together. He would come home from work early to take me to the park, the mall, Disneyland, Boomers, Chuck ‘n Cheese-any place far away from home. He spoiled me a lot; he gave all of the money in his pocket for me to play my silly arcade games, bought me all of the newest toys of every store in the mall, and fed me cotton candy for dinner. A year or two later, he opened up his own business and he started working 8-12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I saw him in the morning as he took me to school but our car rides were silent, both us of still feeling a little dazed from a long slumber. He came home late at night and our family ate dinner together with small, fun talk and laughs.

For many occasions, we were definitely like a family. Knowing my dad’s hardworking mentality, he would prefer to work 365 days a year but he still took off holidays so he could spend time with us. It’s hard to describe how life was really like 5 years ago for my family. We frequently transitioned between a normal, happy family to a chaotic, wearisome family. It was definitely a tough time for all of us.

About 3 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with a serious case of anxiety and other physical and mental illnesses. It made times for our family even tougher. My mom wasn’t how she used to be. She stopped making jokes, she faded away from us, she built a shell around her and kept to herself. She had to be taken to the E.R. several times. I remembered coming home from a nice day of school to the news that my mom almost fainted and had to be taken to the hospital.

Then it was like a light had been shone on us. We encountered something that changed our family forever…

We were introduced to meditation. It saved my mom from permanent mental illness and it shaped the morals and values of our family. My parents followed the teachings of being peaceful and compassionate towards one another. Those characteristics have been in them for their entire life, but now they were fully brought out. My parents worked incredibly hard to resist the temptations of going ballistic at one another. They stopped arguing everyday and they acted more like a newly wed couple. Seeing how our lives, especially our parents, take a 180 degree turn for the better inspired me. It completely changed my perspective on life and strengthened my own morals and values. I set higher standards for the characters of others, but I also aspire to be compassionate and empathetic, hoping that one day they too will encounter something that would greatly impact their lives.

Now I have to be honest, my family’s past history has definitely taken a deep toll on my emotional well-being. It still affects me to this day, some are still lingering deep inside, threatening to tear me apart if I’m not strong enough to hold myself together. However, it has given me strength and hope and courage.

The only thing left now is the future of my family along with the relationship between my dad and I, my older brother and my mom. We are still building the trust and bond between one another. It’s not an easy ride but one day we will be able to fully mend each other’s wounds and strive for the best together.

To my parents who have sacrificed all things and dedicated their whole life to me, I will forever be grateful. I promise to make you proud of who I will become. I won’t ever let everything that you have done go to waste. I love you deeply and I will give you that love every single day.

Written with tears and emotions,

Michelle

Dear World,

I think it’s time that I share my story, to let you know more about myself, where I came from, and how my personal struggles and success have shaped me to who I am today. I hope that in sharing my story, I will able to reach out to others who can relate in some ways and to also build strong connections. I sincerely hope that you will respect what I write because I’m pulling out things that have been buried deep within me for years. I will be working on a story-line, with each blog post for different segments of my life. I hope that once I break through the barrier and open up about myself, you will be able to too. Don’t be afraid of telling the world your story. Thank you for reading. I look forward to what words and love can bring. 🙂

Love,

Michelle

“The person who embedded a segment of themselves into your heart.” -Kayla

Two years, four months, deep hours, high sunrises, and low tides later, my steps have led me in all directions-to new experiences, new feelings, and new perspectives. Though the world was in constant motion and given how dynamic the aspects of our lives were, we somehow gracefully crossed paths. I never went back down the old first path in search for you, no, I was in fact on a new path and we both made it to where we were supposed to be. Whether the sweet melodies of the universe danced in our favor or the wind cheerfully changed the rhythm of our footsteps and carried them to the swindling new path, it’s something of great magnificence. I don’t call it luck, fate, or destiny because I believe it’s the chain of occurrences that brought you and I to cross paths.

You know, they say lines permanently stop when two points meet while other lines come to one point but continue to run in opposite directions, and sometimes, they keep running, never succeeding in finding a point to stop at. Our lines though, are bound by our true selves, our true colors.

Maybe after large clouds and bumpy sentiments, I’m drawn to you because of what you are-a breath of fresh air.

Dear Old Friend,

Remember the heart shaped Valentine’s letter you wrote to me? It has been on the front of my binder ever since you gave it to me–exactly a year ago.

“Dear Michelle,

You really are the sweetest person I’ve ever met. Whenever I’m around you, I just get this calming and happy aura and I’m pretty sure everyone does too. You’re so generous and thoughtful and I’m so happy that I met you this year! One day, you’ll make a difference in this world by spreading your kindness and I think that you’ve already done that enough just by being around people at school. I hope we become closer because you’re as sweet as a cupcake. Happy Valentine’s Day! Love ya!”

When I first read it, I remember how much your kind words encouraged me to keep on being the best person I can be. But eventually, I made a mistake and although the mistake did not affect you, your perspective on me took a 180 degree turn.

You talked to him (I’m sure you know who I’m referring to) and you helped fuel the hatred in him. I understand you wanted to support him and make him feel better but it resulted in dramatizing everything. Why? Why didn’t you ever talk to me about it? I know from the outside it seemed like I did everything intentionally but I wish you could have given me a chance to talk.

Instead, you talked to me like normal, covering up how you truly felt. You gave me compliments, you treated me like I was still a friend, but I could sense the forcefulness in your eyes as you smiled and greeted me for the sake of being polite. In fact, my invitation to your party was forced upon by your mom. Wow I apologize. I should have known and declined…But nevertheless, I still continued treating you normally and I never wanted to give you any hostility despite that I was deeply bothered you discussed me to other people but never brought anything up with me.

The first time that I came to you to talk, I poured out everything to you and I thought you understood me. Unfortunately, you had already hated me too much to consider my side of the story. You replied with, “I was appalled…” I know my actions made it seem like was truly careless and inconsiderate. I understand you cared about him but I was your friend too. It saddened me that you were so quick to shift judgments and choose sides.

Then over time, we started to drift away. You no longer wanted to talk to me and I found no purpose in trying to pursue our feigned friendship.

In your eyes, I put up a facade to manipulate people. I don’t know where you came up with this or why and I would like to know when was one occurrence where I used someone to my own advantage? When did I ever use him? For what reason? Honestly I would never ever have any intentions to. He was my best friend and I cared about him.

I know I have made mistakes and I accept full responsibility for them. If you don’t respect me because of the decisions I made, then that’s your choice. It’s not my place to want to gain your acceptance in the things I do. I don’t take pride in my mistakes but I am thankful for them because they opened my eyes to so many new things. I became more aware of the unpleasantness in life and I realized who were my true friends. They were the ones who gave me their full support and told me it’s ok to make mistakes.

In all honesty, I have learned more from my mistakes than I ever would from being free of wrongdoings. I actually do not regret anything. Sure it sucks that my mistakes became public, resulting in the loss of so many friendships. But I have accepted the fact that nothing can take away the compassion and love I have to share with this world. Being raised in a family who strongly believes in-and practices-Buddhist teachings, I have set my own morals and values. They are not at all similar to what you currently think of me. I know I have a lifetime of mistakes ahead of me, therefore, I will keep in mind to never be ashamed and to always learn from them because each mistake helps me become a better person. I hope you too would realize being a perfectionist still have its flaws..

Lately I’ve been wishing we had taken care of things differently. We could have preserved our friendship. But I’m not sure if that’s what you would want. I wasn’t pure or good enough to be your friend. You let my mistakes cloud your judgments and that took a toll on so many things. I thought you knew me better…I came to realize though, you only saw the black and the white. You never looked to all of the grey that was in between. I feel like there’s so many empty holes between us and I would be glad to talk to you to set things straight. For now, I have let everything out and although so much have changed to ever be the same, I hope someday we can pick up where we left off.

XX,
Michelle